The Travels of Dave The stories are free and you get what you pay for

Quotes from my blog that Claude thinks are funny

“What can you say about Europe? It has a lot of old shit, and not everybody speaks English. That's pretty much all I've got.” “Singapore is good for those of you who find Los Angeles a bit too rustic.” “If you're going to get a Thai massage, make sure it's done by an old lady, preferably a blind one.” “Selling porn is illegal, but selling a girl named Porn is okay.” “I did moon a guy when I was scuba diving, but he didn't see it so I guess that really doesn't count.” “Why Wales? First off, their flag has a fucking dragon on it.” “Is it better to have sausage rolled and lost, or never to have sausage rolled at all?” “When Mark bought his new station wagon, one of his mates asked him if it had good drainage.” “I've started talking to my car. This is what happens when you're alone for a while. I sound like a manipulative boyfriend.” “There are quite a few psychics in town, which probably explains the lack of stoplights.” “I spent the next day driving through Oklahoma, which, in case anyone was wondering, is boring as fuck.” “Everest beer has the famous sherpa Tenzing Norgay on the label and tastes like it contains one of his urine samples.” “My trek journal: Day 1: Fuck you, Mark. Days 2-5: See Day 1. Day 6: Nice mountains. P.S. Fuck you, Mark.” “You have to be in top physical and mental shape to attempt a trek to Annapurna base camp. I... am neither.” “I have to say that hitting someone with intent is a unique experience. I recommend it.” “I know there are a lot of people out there who would like to vicariously punch me in the face.” “Your lack of preparation does not constitute an emergency for me.” “The downside is that I felt pretty oily for most of the day, like a mackerel.” “I could have done with fewer emergency shits in the morning though.” “I have about a 33% success rate cracking jokes in Spanish with Peruvian campesinos, and that's only after I specify that what I just said is a joke.” “Friends make you fat. Have you ever seen a fat hermit? The Unabomber: skin and bones. I believe I have just scientifically proven this.” “The best thing I can say about driving across Iowa is that at some point it ends. Unfortunately, it then turns into South Dakota.” “Jimmy shakes his head, looks at me and says, "You're not putting this in your blog are you?" I said, "No... no... of course not."” “Seattle, you gave us Jimi Hendrix and Bruce Lee, so thank you for that. You also gave us Eddie Vedder, and for that I can never forgive you.” “If you've never seen a redwood tree... they're really big. Really big. So that was pretty cool.” “English summer: the season where it's slightly less shitty.” “A guy once drowned in one of the fermenters; they didn't find him for a few batches. Arthur says those batches just had a bit of extra body.” “When Marcellus said "Something is rotten in the state of Denmark," I'm pretty sure he meant Woods, who hadn't done laundry in 8 days.” “I could barely see past the beach. I'm pretty sure there was water out there somewhere. I heard a splash when I threw a rock.” “The "Provincetown Bears" are not a football team.” “It's just like Carnival in Rio, except with less T&A and a reduced chance of acquiring a venereal disease.” “Greetings from Thailand, where men are men and women are also men. My name is Dave, and it's been four weeks since my last ping pong show.” “A guy named Steve who ends each sentence like he's asking a question.” “Mark is a very cool guy who's a cross between Dr. Evil, a vampire, and a hyperactive monkey.” “If you had told me I'd end up in Havana in early June, I would've said I didn't think urinating in public was a deportable offense. It's not. My lawyer assured me.” “Cubana Airlines: bringing all the efficiency of Communism to the skies.” “If Hemingway ducked into a place once to take a dump, it'll be advertised as one of his "haunts."” “Can you imagine Che Guevara walking into a place where they sell "I heart Che" coffee mugs? His head would probably explode.” “I'm heading to Haiti to work with Tammy's charity, but mostly so I have something new to lead with at dinner parties.” “It's the Rasputin of stains.” “You know you have something special when you can yell "Hey, I need something for ringworm!" at someone across a crowded drug store.” “I'd especially like to thank Jake. I think his $3.89 is really what put me over the top.” “I went for a tour of the Hanoi Hilton, which really is more of a Ramada Inn at best.” “Crossing the street in Hanoi is like playing human Frogger.” “By the way, Dong jokes never get old. They're like poop jokes. I could hang out in this country just for that.” “When I'm traveling I'm so adaptable my nickname should be Darwin.” “I can now molest aquatic life at a depth of 30 meters. Look out, Nemo... here comes daddy.” “I was visited by my old friend the Vomitrhea Fairy during the night. Repeatedly.” “Jimmy, by the way, is a licensed contractor.” “Using a jackhammer is not as cool as it sounds. It's fun for about two minutes, and then it just really sucks.” “I've become the Christmas poster boy for gay men and octogenarian women. I wonder if I could work that into my resume.” “"I make you look like James Bond!" Which is good, unless it's Roger Moore, seeing as how he's dead and all.” “They should have these blanket sellers working cold calls. It was the hill-tribe version of Glengarry Glen Ross: tea is for closers.” “No tux. No reception. No wedding rings. This is 5 days before the wedding. At least Stefano's predictable.” “Free therapy is great, especially when you're drunk.” “I learned two things running with the bulls: bulls are really, really big, and don't count on Max waiting up for you in the middle of a stampede.” “Much beer was drunk, many miles were logged, and there were many times when we wanted to kill each other. Other than that, it was great.” “My backpack spent 17 days in Turkish Airlines storage hall 2, a place where baby strollers go to die.” “We visited the Blue Mosque, but it paled in comparison with the excitement of haggling over an undersized pair of knock-off shorts.” “Dawn threatened, on separate occasions, to scoop my eyeballs out, shove horse poop in my face, and put a tampon up my butt.” “Irkutsk is known as the "Paris of Siberia." I'm not sure how much that means. You could call Cleveland the "Paris of Lake Erie."” “Whitewater sledging is a combination of sledding and drowning, with slamming into rocks. After the first rapid I just wept uncontrollably.” “I've never played golf before with no shirt and no shoes. Judge Smails would've slapped an injunction on me.” “Let me tell you why dudes will never win pole-dancing competitions. (I can't believe I just typed that sentence.)” “When I become president, my first official act will be the Dave Bresci Speedo Bill: you can only wear a speedo if you have a license.” “I think when they put the scaffolding up, they expect the houses to be painted by circus monkeys.” “There's nothing worse for your ego than a pack of six-year-olds running around calling you Kaka Bloc.” “It sometimes feels like you're pissing on a forest fire. Lucky for me, I have the bladder of a 90-year-old man, so once the seal is broken it's off to the races.” “I'm in Peru, and my plan is to eat guinea pig and alpaca. And maybe go to Machu Picchu. Not my most thoroughly planned adventure.” “These islands are chiefly used for harvesting bird poop. So now I can say I've seen an island of shit, which is nice.” “Lake Titicaca, which I have enjoyed talking about since the 4th grade.” “La Paz looks like a vast orange sprawl. Paris it ain't. I suppose the upside is that it's big-bad-wolf-proof.” “I asked Cristobal why the guides don't have radios. "We have cell phones but they don't work out here so we travel in groups." And that was the end of that conversation.” “Greetings from the land of stray dogs and fearless chickens.” “I like to tell people I'm 31. It sounds more authoritative than 30, like I know what I'm doing. Maybe because it's a prime number.” “Jeff informed me that Beer Chang contains formaldehyde. I should be quite well-preserved when I get home.” “If Chiang Mai is Vegas, then Chiang Rai is Reno. There's nothing to it.” “When someone is so specific that they tell you the format of paper they'll be holding, there's no reason to doubt they'll show up... until they don't show up.” “Mount Etna: a mountain of fire and gas filled with a sort of primal rage that could erupt at any moment. Like Stefano.” “It was the first time I've ever gone inside a tourist attraction to get away from tourists.” “The rental guy had four pieces of advice: drive defensively, don't offer the cops a bribe, don't try to drive through a river, and use Waze because there are no addresses in Costa Rica.” “Tropical rain isn't really rain anyway. It's showering with your clothes on.” “He talked me into putting local honey in my eyes. The ensuing 10 minutes of nonstop crying could broadly be described as "clearing my vision," so technically he was correct.” “If someone had mentioned "flat earth" I would have lost my shit.” “Apparently Roger Moore is not dead. Although judging by this picture, they simply figured out a way to animate his skeletal remains.” “Riding around on motorbikes with no helmet, like there's some kind of Thai forcefield around them that magically protects against cranial injury.” “Graceland: I think we should all be grateful that Elvis dedicated himself to music rather than interior decorating.” “The Clinton Library was like stepping into a time warp back to the 1990s. You're not going to find a navy blue dress behind a glass case.” “These blues guys could piss on an instrument and it would sound fantastic.” “The bartender saw the look on my face and said, "Yeah, that's pretty much the worst beer we've ever made." You know what would've been nice? Mentioning that before I ordered it.” “I spent the night in Providence, Rhode Island, mostly to say that I've been to Providence, Rhode Island.” “Myrtle Beach: legions of mouth breathers playing miniature golf in 110-degree heat wearing $5.99 "Booty Inspector" souvenir shirts and blowing up M-80s. The mere thought of it chills me to the bone.” “The Wright Brothers were mechanical-genius bachelors from Dayton who still lived with their mom and sister, which more than anything explains why they fled to Kitty Hawk for two years.” “I'm not a meteorologist, I'm just a pissed-off tourist who's getting rained on a lot.” “Glowworms aren't worms at all but fly larvae, which makes them really glow maggots. Also, the part that glows is their excrement.” “I figured I should write something to let people know that I'm not dead.” “I've hit about 15 different food stands and maintained the diarrhea average below 10%.” “You turn the corner into "old" when you start making sounds when you stand up or sit down. A grunt, an "Ooof," an "Mrgh."” “These 19-year-olds are bouncing around like kangaroos on meth. So... you know... fuck them. Maybe sometimes they accidentally get a knee in the ribs. Accidentally.” “Everything is cold and I don't remember how to wear shoes.” “In the rush to get out we left my buddy Jon behind. As far as I know he may still be there.” “On Craigslist you are much more likely to find an S&M three-way than the meaning of life.” “They told me I should fight, like a real fight for money. I told them that I like beer and I don't like to run.” “Greetings from the only man who could go to Thailand and get constipated.” “The next time a woman tells me she has a headache, I'm going to put things in perspective by reminding her I'm not asking her to put anything sharp and/or flammable in there.” “There's this one Thai guy named Ken who's a digging machine. He's like half-man, half-hoe.” “The sea was very angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup at a deli.” “You haven't really been to Thailand unless you've had diarrhea and a venereal disease, so I'm 1 for 2.” “Greetings from Thailand, where happiness means a hot shower. The year here is 2549, which means we are like 500 years ahead of the rest of you idiots.” “I bought everyone on my team the same gift: a bowl of Cup o'Noodles from 7-11.” “My car, The Shark, has a license plate hanging on by one screw, no working stereo, and a steering wheel that wobbles when you brake. So, really, it's a pleasant ride for all.” “Most people pay hundreds of dollars for spa treatments. You get, for free, a mineral mud bath while digging out a cesspool. Not tempting enough? Have you tried our concrete facial?” “I figure the best thing to do is imitate Jeremy, so when someone asks me a question I'll just say "It's up to you." He's a genius.” “Dean thought it was a good idea to light the gasoline pile from a couple of feet away. Next image I have is of him on a table getting his burns treated.” “My travel beard had grown ferocious and wild; it visibly frightened children and small animals. I wish I could say the same about my travel hairline.” “Beijing: a city where Mae is considered tall, and if the air were a crayon it would be burnt sienna.” “The Forbidden Palace, judging by the amount of time we had to wait in line to get in, uses a very liberal definition of the word "forbidden."” “Our guide handed us ID tags to wear because she candidly admitted all foreigners look alike to her, and if we wanted lunch we'd better wear our tags.” “Why do border guards have to dress like officers from The Empire in Star Wars? When did this become the official outfit?” “Our hostel made the Fiji Times because we had no water due to a burst main. Must've been a slow news day.” “Julian is a pastry chef from Sydney who apparently ran a guy down with his car on the sidewalk for sleeping with his ex-wife.” “Let's just say it was a moist week.” “A fancy dinner in Stockholm that seemed to consist of 96.4832% salt.” “They took my dad to the ER after he ate too many mushrooms at a dinner party. His rebuttal: "They were fresh porcini." Then he shrugged and went back to reading his newspaper.” “Within an hour of arriving in Napoli we ate pizza at Da Michele and saw a dead body in the street. The next morning we had a legit espresso, which completed the trifecta.” “We found another "Negroni club" which, while lacking the charm of the original, still served Negroni, which is honestly the bare minimum required to operate a Negroni club.” “As George Costanza once said, it's important to leave on a high note. So I went to one of the seven wonders of the world because I didn't want my balls busted.” “I finally ate cuy (guinea pig) and it was delicious, a lot like rabbit. I also tried Inka Kola and it was not delicious, a lot like bubble gum.” “I want to thank those of you who have been reading my posts. I know there are at least three of you.” “If some of these clowns can produce and sell beer, then why can't I?” “We try to get together at least once a year for a few days that, in retrospect, none of us will remember.” “Dr. Larry is not really a doctor but plays one in Haiti. He also likes to take pictures of people's asses.” “One random fact you may not know about Haiti: it's hot! Yeah, I was surprised too.” “Tammy assured us we'd have four or five cement mixers. She failed to mention that in Haiti a cement mixer means two guys with a shovel.” “(P.S. There is no need to mention the content of the preceding two paragraphs to my grandma, so... be cool.)” “Iceland is cold. Iceland is windy. There are a lot of blond people. Iceland is also windy.” “It's hard to picture somebody 1000 years ago saying, "You know what? Norway is just too temperate for me. This place is perfect!"” “Lee made the mistake of saying he'd never tried grappa. My dad left the room for thirty seconds and came back with ten different bottles in hand.” “The passport officer studied me and said, "You look like a before-and-after from a hair replacement ad, except backwards. What happened? Do you work on Wall Street?"” “Kingston has a university, a prison, and a population that generally veers toward the husky side.” “I caught my first fish ever. It was a dolphin. There's no proof because I had to let it go for fear it would telepathically assault me. I watch a lot of movies.” “One thing you may not know about Canadians: they are really nice. To people. When they ask how you're doing it does not sound sarcastic. It's kind of creepy sometimes.” “There's not much to do in Ottawa, which explains the unusually high number of randomly drunk people loitering outside grocery stores.” “When I told my grandma I was quitting my job, she looked directly at me and said, "You have mental problems. You need to see a doctor."” “She's 96 and told me she might die while I'm gone. I said she'd better not, because it would be a real inconvenience to come back home just for the funeral.” “Project Beard, Project Unemployed, and Project Living Out of My Car together comprise Operation Not Getting Laid.” “The Gaslamp district is the consumerist equivalent of navigating the river in Heart of Darkness, except at the end, instead of heads on spikes, you find a Hard Rock Hotel and a Spaghetti Factory.” “I almost had to call bullshit on nature.” “The Giants won the World Series. In a related story, there were riots. I felt like Martin Sheen going upriver in Apocalypse Now.” “Because nothing says "I love you" like beating the shit out of strangers in a public square.” “I had a dangerous mole removed at the hospital. That's the last time I'm shagging one of those.” “The first thing I thought when I saw Uluru was that it looked like a giant nipple. I could work for the Australian tourism bureau.” “I'm in fucking Bolivia. Heh. It's just funny to me, I don't know why.” “On the bus I sat next to a guy from Montreal who tried to explain the difference between the Spanish verbs tener and haber... in French.”
Photo from India
  • India

An "Awesome" wedding

November 2025

An invitation to a wedding in India, which I RSVP'd with a heartfelt "fuck yes." Two days of color and joy, then Goa... a chakra-unblocking shack, an oily straight-razor shave, and inevitable food poisoning.

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Photo from England
  • England
  • Wales

A long way to go for a pint

November 2025

I visit Wales (its flag has a dragon — reason enough), drink my way through England's pubs and the Lake District, and attend "Man Camp" with a friend who may be a serial killer.

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Photo from Sweden
  • Sweden
  • Italy

North of the Wall

December 2022

Sweden's Arctic north "beyond the Wall," where climate change cancels the snow and the lights, dinners are 96% salt, and my dad lands in the ER over two kilos of porcini.

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Photo from Denmark
  • Denmark

Blød Indeni

August 2021

A week in Copenhagen with my oldest friend Woods: Pastries, a living Viking boat museum, an inescapable Danish pop earworm, and a regrettable run-in with Kim's pork cracklings.

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With my brother Stefano at Carnevale
  • Czechia
  • Italy

The Coronegroni Vacation

March 2020

Dawn and I take an Italy vacation that unfolds against the dawn of the pandemic: Carnevale, Pompeii, Prague, a dead body in Naples, and a deep, abiding love of the Negroni.

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Photo from Costa Rica
  • Costa Rica

Ice Baths in the Jungle

August 2019

A Wim Hof retreat in the Costa Rican jungle with daily ice baths, breathwork, honey in the eyes, and campfire conversation ranging from sloths to reptilian overlords.

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Photo from Malta
  • Malta

5000 years ago...

October 2017

Malta: 5,000-year-old temples, a 4D movie that mists your face, terrifying drives through medieval streets, and place names so fun to say they're like Pop Rocks for your mouth.

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Photo from Nicaragua
  • Nicaragua

Aventuras Nicas (Primera Parte)

December 2016

"So... why Nicaragua?" Dawn and I road-trip the country everyone keeps asking us about: Volcanoes, colonial towns, and the start of an unexpectedly great little adventure.

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Mannequin Pis
  • Netherlands
  • Belgium

Belgian Beer and other stuff

October 2015

A photo-heavy ramble through England, Amsterdam, Belgium, and Italy. The highlights: a new love of Belgian beer, and getting to wield a broadsword in a castle museum.

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Photo from Turkey
  • Turkey

Turkish Delights

September 2014

Turkey, where the airline loses my underwear for 17 days, the Blue Mosque can't compete with haggling for knock-off shorts, and Dawn threatens me with three creative fates.

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Photo from England
  • England
  • Scotland

Halfway Home

August 2013

Halfway through brewing school, drowning in the 25 liters of beer I make each week, with a side trip to Edinburgh where every pub is mysteriously, suspiciously out of haggis.

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Photo from England
  • England

Beer School

June 2013

I go to beer school in Sunderland to study brewing, dodge Mackem-vs-Geordie warfare, and learn what once added "body" to a batch.

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Photo from Peru
  • Peru

Ending with Machu Picchu

October 2012

I save Machu Picchu for last, mostly so nobody'd bust my balls about skipping it. Seven months on the road end in the clouds, with guinea pig that tastes like rabbit.

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Photo from Peru
  • Peru

Andes to Amazon

October 2012

From a freezing Andean village to the steaming Amazon. Pre-Inca burial grounds, a beer-loving coati, and a sleeping-pill haze in which I win a mug on a Jehovah's Witness bus.

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Photo from Bolivia
  • Bolivia

Unbelievable Uyuni

October 2012

Three days across Bolivia's salt flats and Martian deserts in a Land Cruiser, turning into "Man Jerky" at altitude, where the guides' phones don't work.

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Photo from Peru
  • Peru

Sand Dunes and Guano

September 2012

Peru begins with salchipapas (fries, sausage, and a fried egg), dune buggies over endless sand, an island made of bird poop, and me towering over an entire country of hobbits.

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Photo from Thailand
  • Thailand

Last Days in Thailand

September 2012

Last days in Bangkok, including a friend faking a family emergency to quit his job only for the cabbie's "shortcut" to drive him straight past his own school at pickup time.

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Photo from Thailand
  • Thailand

Return to Khao Lak

August 2012

I return to the houses I built years ago, now lived-in, the town transformed. I take the hint it's time to go when the cook drunk-dials my door at 11pm.

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Photo from Thailand
  • Thailand

Pop's Wedding

July 2012

Back in Bangkok for my friend Pop's wedding: a Thai celebration, old friends, and the start of another long stretch in my adopted second home.

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Photo from Canada
  • Canada

The North, Eh

June 2012

A week in Canada, where the people are unsettlingly nice, Ottawa offers little but drunks outside grocery stores, and I catch my first-ever fish.

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Photo from USA
  • USA
  • Canada

Bonjour Quebec

May 2012

Foggy Cape Cod, a regrettable pint of maple syrup, and a French-Canadian border guard who doesn't like the look of me and then Montreal, mid-protest and electric.

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Photo from USA
  • USA

Now Entering New England

May 2012

Into the Northeast: The worst beer Dogfish Head ever made, my theory that New Jersey Guidos are basically Orcs, and the legend of a strip club called the Golden Banana.

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Photo from USA
  • USA

Goodbye Confederacy

May 2012

Up the Southern coast through haunting Savannah and Charleston, past too many Confederate flags, to Myrtle Beach: A 15-mile strip mall I describe in withering, loving detail.

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Photo from USA
  • USA

Every Day is Saturday

April 2012

I quit my job with nothing lined up to go drive around the country. My grandma's verdict: "You have mental problems. You need to see a doctor." And so the road trip begins.

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Photo from Haiti
  • Haiti

Kaka Bloc

October 2011

I return to finish the Cité Soleil clinic and get rechristened by a pack of pantsless six-year-olds as "Kaka Bloc."

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Photo from USA
  • USA

A Week in Pictures

August 2011

A camera carried through one ordinary San Francisco week with open mics, street food, lowriders, homebrew, and far too many photos of the office.

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Photo from China
  • China
  • Mongolia

Everyone Loves a Panda

April 2011

The Trans-Mongolian begins in Beijing, where three of us in panda hats become genuine celebrities, the air is "burnt sienna," and the Forbidden Palace has a basketball court.

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Photo from Haiti
  • Haiti

Helping Tammy

August 2010

Two weeks building a clinic in Cité Soleil with cement mixers that turn out to be "two guys with a shovel," a robbery at gunpoint, and a P.S. asking my grandma not to read paragraph two.

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Photo from Haiti
  • Haiti

Fun With Meds

July 2010

I prep for Haiti by buying 32 pounds of Epsom salts and yelling "I need something for ringworm!" across a crowded drug store.

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Photo from Japan
  • Japan

Ichigo Ichie

September 2009

A short, once-in-a-lifetime stop in Japan. A quieter bookend to the Asia trip, and a phrase I can't quite shake.

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Photo from Thailand
  • Thailand

The Marriage of Vincenzo

September 2009

Back to Thailand for Vince's beachside wedding preceded by a bachelor party best left in multiple-choice form, and a muay thai session against a 6'6" Kiwi who just kept punching my face.

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Photo from Vietnam
  • Vietnam

My 200 dollar cup of coffee

September 2009

A cup of coffee in Hoi An somehow becomes a $200 suit, railroaded by a tiny tailor with raptor-talon toenails. Plus Sapa's blanket-sellers, who'd make terrifying cold-callers.

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Photo from Vietnam
  • Vietnam

Hijacked in Hanoi

September 2009

My first three hours in Hanoi: ambushed by four giggling students, fed ice cream, photographed with fashion models, and nearly flattened playing human Frogger across the street.

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Photo from Cuba
  • Cuba

Four days in Havana

June 2008

Four days in Havana on a whim. A Russian-jet flight on Cubana Airlines, warm beer, daiquiris, and a baseball game that dissolves into chaos.

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Photo from Thailand
  • Thailand

A Final Word

March 2006

Six months in Thailand end. I reflect on a country abandoning itself to tourism, a wall of fish on a scuba trip, and why selling a girl named Porn is perfectly legal.

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Photo from Thailand
  • Thailand

Khao Lak Asstravaganza

February 2006

With the houses nearly done, we keep morale up through an escalating inter-team mooning campaign that culminates in the first-ever Ass Pyramid launched from a moving truck.

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Photo from Thailand
  • Thailand

Happy 2549!

January 2006

Christmas in Thailand brings me a hot shower at last, an epic battle with a four-inch spider, and accidentally buying menstrual medicine for a cough.

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Photo from Thailand
  • Thailand

Ton Sai Blows...

December 2005

Pouring concrete, digging out a septic ring packed like Thanksgiving cranberry sauce, and inventing increasingly absurd lies for the Monday volunteer meeting.

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Photo from Thailand
  • Thailand

Evil Chan

October 2005

Building houses under Chan, a giggling Thai foreman who treats near-fatal cement-mixer accidents as comedy. Plus a busload of flight attendants which is nothing like the Playboy fantasy.

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Photo from Thailand
  • Thailand

From Thailand with Love

October 2005

I arrive to build houses for tsunami survivors in Khao Lak and promptly earn the nickname "Septic Boy," see a Patpong ping pong show, and manage to get constipated in Thailand.

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Photo from Italy
  • Italy

Carnevale di Viareggio

February 2005

Carnevale in my hometown of Viareggio: a month-long blowout of giant papier-mâché floats. Just like Rio, but a lower risk of venereal disease.

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Photo from Thailand
  • Thailand

No Pai, No Gain

May 2004

I turn 31, survive an off-road motorbike meltdown to a remote Thai village, and take a Thai massage that ends with a knee to the gut.

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Photo from Australia
  • Australia
  • New Zealand

Greetings from Oz

March 2004

I throw myself off a 440-foot bungy (and scream like a little girl) and draft my presidential platform: the Speedo Bill.

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Photo from New Zealand
  • New Zealand

Two Chubby Canadian Girls

March 2004

Whitewater sledging, which I'd define as sledding plus drowning plus slamming into rocks. After the first rapid I didn't cheer... I wept uncontrollably.

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Photo from New Zealand
  • New Zealand

This Weather Sucks...

February 2004

New Zealand turns on the monsoon, so I make the best of it: glowworms (technically glow-maggots), getting rolled down a hill in a giant ball, and Roto-Vegas minus the casinos.

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